One day it hit me that we had reached the point of avoiding each other glance or at least I had reached the point of avoiding his glance. Six months ago or a year ago I thought he and I were almost friends but something changed. We were talking about strange dreams and visions of things that aren't there and then one day we're not. Of everyone in that group he was the one I thought would end up a real friend not just someone I sat there and strained to listen to.
But then something happened. I knew he had said a few things that make me think about the world differently, that I admired him for these things. Because of this I had a small crush on him that scared the heck out of me. (Every time I think admire I feel like Elinor in Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility)
I had a moment where not being able to hear matter more then I liked to admit. (I have hearing loss in case you didn't know) We were playing a game with the youth group at church and I wanted to help as one of the group leaders, but the moment my group rushed over me and the boys started chest bumping I realized I couldn't hear or understand. In the panic mode I looked over at my almost friend and for some reason he was looking at me. From the questions I had asked before we joined the teenagers it was clear that I worried I wouldn't hear. With that look from me he sent someone to help me.
After a few minutes of the game I got over not being able to hear and went with the flow. It turned into a really fun game but after when I thanked my almost friend. He seemed embarrassed about something. I don't think he realized that when I turned to him and asked him to help me "hear" I trusted him. I don't trust just anyone with that knowledge. It should have been a growing moment in our friendship but when he grew embarrassed neither one of us knew what to say anymore.
I grew embarrassed that I dared to show him the degree of my hearing loss. Became aware of every time I misunderstood him when he talked to me and I asked him to repeat himself. Scared that in those moments my hearing loss shined like a bright neon sign. Time passed, summer and Christmas flew by. Somewhere between summer and the day I realized we reached the point where we avoided each other glance we stopped being almost friends.
That day I forgot and met his glance, couldn't tell if it scared him or surprised him. But it doesn't matter, summer is here again which means the meetings are over. In time, we'll forget each other and he'll never know not unless by chance, fate or by God's hands he read this.